To be honest, no one needs to be told this. Seriously. Instinct, human nature or whatever you want to call it draws you to that conclusion like bees to honey. It is natural and some part of you knows that purpose and fulfillment reside in something that you actually want to do.

But easily distracted as we are, we need to be reminded by people who are self-aware that we need to find out what drives us, what makes us passionate and then live that life.

It is the worst advice because it’s annoying to be told what you already know, probably want to do already but just cannot find the guts to actually go through it. (Wimp.) It is a painful reminder of how your life is not up to par with what you imagined it to be ten years ago when your teacher asked you to write about what you will be when you’re out in the “real world.” The last thing you want to hear when you’re knee-deep in reports is that the path to success is not paper pushing but spending time on something you actually want to do.  Because then you realize that you can equate your bank account (or if you’re into retail therapy when stressed, the amount of junk you’ve accumulated) with how many hours you’ve wasted on something you don’t even care about.  It makes you want to scream ‘What the hell am I doing?’ or randomly take career quizzes online to find some reinforcement that maybe you’re doing the right thing after all. (Note to reader: This doesn’t work. In fact, it will make you feel worse because unless you manipulate your answers, you’ll likely end up with a result that tells you get out, get out of that job, run and never look back.)

On the flipside, it is the best advice simply because it is true. Some say it’s the recipe for success but the way I see it, it’s a path in life that will let you face yourself in the mirror and be able to say ‘I didn’t waste my time today.’ It’s an organic process as opposed to forcing yourself to not push the snooze on the alarm for the fifth time to delay the inevitable eight-hour workday.  No need to count the hours till 5pm, moaning about wanting to go home or be anywhere but here.

It’s not a fairy tale, not by a long shot. I’m idealistic not unrealistic. It is challenging but the problems are things you will gladly take on because you don’t need a monthly paycheck to understand its value, why it’s worth it to slave through sleepless nights. It is consuming in a way that makes you see and appreciate your world, versus a dementor’s kiss that sucks the life out of you.

But with it comes the burden of failure, a reality that is almost impossible to overcome. Because if you fail at the one thing you’ve trusted you were good at and wanted for so long, what then? It would be like hitting the bottom of the barrel then it suddenly gives out beneath you and you realize there’s still a long way down.

But the people who took that chance and got to tell us their tale shows it’s possible, even if it does take a leap of faith (read: jump blindly off a cliff with the surf crashing on jagged rocks below and hope someone catches you). It is the best advice because it reminds us to be courageous enough to live the life we’ve always been meant to live.

With every piece of advice, good or bad, you are always left with the choice of whether to take it or pretend it was never given.  The faint-hearted will likely walk away, finding comfort in staying within the lines society has decided is safe. They will dream and live by what ifs and if onlys.

But there will be those who will live that dream because they know no other way to be. They accept who they are and not what society defines them to be. They live without regret and in full control of where they want to go, full steam ahead. We call them the lucky ones but really, they’re just brave.

So the question is, which one are you?

1. Thai Airways, smooth as silk indeed! Winner in flight entertainment–as in we’re talking Inception is part of the movie on demand list and I still can’t get over this–may Vampire Diaries. Think Ian Somerhalder’s piercing blue eyes as you cruise along clear blue skies. Magic. And you get to keep your earphones! It comes in a little pouch that says ‘take me home.’ O diba. Lowlights: ang chicken na lasang atay at ang sirang saksakan ng earphones pauwi. But I’m still happy.
2. Got to the hotel, went up to my room…aba, disco? The lights kept turning on and off on its own even if the key was in the slot. Ever helpful the housekeeping lady…kept asking if I was okay to wait alone since the front desk was fixing my transfer…she stayed and offered my complimentary water. Okay na eh…and then the phone rang. FRONT DESK: Hello. ME: Hello. FD: Is the bellboy alive? ME: <stunned silence>…I’m sorry WHAT? FD: Is the bellboy alive? ME: <hmmm teka…gets ko ata…arrive kaya yun?> OH! No, he’s not yet here. FD: Okay, please wait. Mula noon alam ko na. May R/L thing sila. Pero hindi ko gets bakit ang softdrinks na-spell as solfdrink sa isang tourist spot.
3. The food, oh the glorious food. I loved it. The Thai food we have here does not compare!!! Gosh.Mango with sticky rice, Tom Yum and the other stuff I don’t even know the name–I miss you all!
4. The malls– Seriously. Wow. They have Jo Malone. Benefit. Sigh. Pero boo na wala pa rin ako shoe size. Winner timing–Midnight sale days! Toy Watch was priced much lower than here..and then may 20% off pa. Thank you, destiny–is that your hand I see weaving magic into my retail therapy? Bwehehehe.Kahit grocery panalo. And they even had the cheesecake we had so much trouble looking for in HK!
5. Starbucks cookies dipped in dark chocolate. Ang weird lang hindi puno starbucks nila. Why?!?!?
6. Platinum mall. Whoa. I’m not a fan of tiangges and stuff na maraming tao. I get paranoid easily but that place had so much stuff that was so cheap…na not cheap looking ha. I mean, fine there are ugly crap, but if you look really hard you’ll find cool stuff. At talaga naman…napaisip ako..2 dresses and a shirt…850 baht..napaisip ako ay tama na..mahal na. DUH that much will just buy me a shirt sa GAP!! So I went back and my EQ dropped a few points but who cares.
7. Neon pink cabs–hey, they’re cool
8. I got to offer in the Mass. Love it!
9. Tourist ako, and damn proud of it–with matching hat talaga ha. Summer palace, Grand Palace and all the temples–photographer’s dream! Trying hard moments ko as a photog (with my not so high-tech cam):

Looks European right?

I wonder how it looks inside...

Made me feel like weaving in and out of the doors while singing....

Elephant friends.

Just one of my many lotus pics

A bridge over untroubled waters

I don't know what that is but the reflection is nice..yes?

Minus the sinus problem after the flight and the less than stellar scent of the hotel room, it was a great trip. Looking forward to another trip there…sana thank you company-that-cannot-be-named pa rin na trip. Hahahahaha.

But on the drive home (thank you bright red brake lights and ever reliable slow-moving traffic), I think I gained an insight on why I get affected by some words and not so much by others.

Honesty.Truth. Whatever you want to call it.

Simple words can blow you away…if they’re true. Ten letter words hold no meaning if it’s just one complicated lie.

Precisely why the words ‘I love you’ or ‘I hate you’ can make or break you–if they come from the right person, the right moment and speak of an undeniable truth.

The meaning or the power is in the intent not in the word itself. And this is something that comes from us–the speaker and the listener alike. We attach emotion, history and depth to the words. They don’t carry meaning the same way they do definition. It’s not the same and it shouldn’t be, at least that’s how I see it.

The point?

I can keep talking, writing and screaming at the top of my lungs but if I can only speak untruths, then I might as well have been silent because no one will hear me, feel me or believe me.

Why the smile? I finally, finally got this today:

The Package

Rewind: I read about Johnny Air Cargo in various blogs. Basically, you order online, you ship to their NY office and then they ship to Manila. I mean, yes, you can technically ship directly to Manila but a lot of times you have to go to the post office or some other office and deal with all sorts of fantastic bureaucracy.

Anywho, I read the instructions and they looked fairly simple.

Problem: I wasn’t sure it was going to work considering I don’t know anyone who has tried it.

Enter the dragon called the fangirl. She is obsessed with a TV show called The Vampire Diaries, that recently released the season 1 DVD box set. She also likes paper products, particularly the knockknock journals. The fangirl is at a loss, since these items are only available in the US. What to do?

Hello, online shopping, my new best friend. The last time I tried it, I had my package shipped to a relative who was coming to Manila but since I don’t know anyone on the way here, I opted to try Johnny Air one particularly FUN-filled afternoon at the office.

I followed the instructions–shipped said package to NY office, emailed the contact there and waited. Oh boy, I waited. For one thing, patience is not my friend. Second, I opted for free shipping within the US, cheapskate that I am. Lastly, the kicker, is that the DVD came out here about a week before this magical day. I almost bought it out of sheer desperation. Crazy. I know. But luckily not stupid.

So, yesterday, I figured I’d call the Megamall store to check if it’s here. They said “Call again tomorrow.”

I obeyed. And this morning, again at the office, I called and I finally got the “Yes, it’s here. Drop by around 3PM”

Speed-dial to Dad–I need a ride. Begging and groveling sold separately.

Btw, for an accountant like me, quarter-end closing, which is right now, is a critical time. Precisely why someone asked me when I was going out the door 5:30 pm if I was leaving. I said, yep. Person said, ‘but it’s closing!?”

Me: Whatever. I have to pick something up.

Open car door, hop in, text people out of sheer excitement and listen to loop of songs from the show.

Arrive at Megamall, pay for package, say thanks profusely and then clutch said package to self while ordering a burger.

Needless to say, this entire process of ordering online and shipping it here was a smashing success.

The result?

The Goods

 Happiness on a Monday.

Sigh.

It’s the glass case effect—you see everything, hear it and somehow feel it. But reach out and see you can’t really touch the greatness, because you are trapped inside mediocrity, content only to watch.

Fine, the first time you realize it, you want to break free. You can’t possibly believe that this is it—all there is, a life contained in security. You start pushing your boundaries and you dare to step out of that box.

But failure inevitably comes and you suddenly wonder why you are fighting. After all, the view—it’s not so bad. You can always live vicariously through others—experience the thrill without the risk.

A caution—it will be muted, a shadow of what it truly is to live and believe you are made for greatness. Glass is glass. It is clear but it will always be a solid barrier between living and watching someone else do it for you. The glass case puts a limit and creates the illusion of impossibility, when the truth is that there is none.

It is a sad thing to never realize you are encased but an even greater tragedy to know, and never dare to break free for fear of treading on broken glass.

On One Tree Hill:

“‘One Tree Hill’ (basketball brothers) is a USA basketball youth idol drama theme. Of course, the drama we are at the centre of the love of basketball. Fetish, the boys and girls on their respective infatuated with.”  Translation: Basketball players ang kabidahan, haluan pa ng drama ng mga boys and girls who think they’re in love.

“Since then, the two brothers since the troubled Xiaoshihou on hearsay as they team for the location and Nathan’s girlfriend intensified.”  Translation: Hindi ko alam ang tunog dimsum na word pero basta nasa isang team ang magkapatid at agawan sila sa isang babae, na currently GF ni Nathan.

“An uphill battle so that they found themselves in order to make him aware of two people Mody there are more similarities.” Translation: Walang Mody sa show na ito. Napanood ko na. Sure ako. Basta gumaganda siya bawat episode, yun siguro ang uphill battle.

On Las Vegas:

” They have taken to bring with the massive narcotics and the ethyl alcohol, prepares to enjoy on the road.” Translation: Road trip! ang baon nila sa daan ay paracetamol at rubbing alcohol.

“On the road they have encountered the person of all forms: Police, reporter, gambler, racer and while vehicle person.” Translation: Hanep, Superman isthatyou?

“Finally evolves as a result of the narcotics and the ethyl alcohol fills the fear and the hatred nightmare…” Translation: Hindi ko kaya i-interpret to.

On Vampire Diaries:

“Elena has always been beautiful, popular star students, and students and friends are harmonious office” Translation: Alam mo yung song sa Miss Congeniality? Let’s sing–”You’re one in a million, you’re once in a lifetime, you made me discover the stars above you.” (Disclaimer: I’m singing from memory. I can be very, very, very wrong about the lyrics.)

“But now she has found itself in the eyes of the world strive to conceal the grief inside.” Translation: The eyes are the windows to the soul. Bow.

“Elena and Jeremy, and now they have their ways are bad girls who want to take care of their Aunt Jenna (Sara Canning ornaments, starred in “Smallville”) live together” Translation: Tita is the fairy godmother who lives with them. She likes ornaments.

“Jeremy also trying to figure out why the Matt’s younger sister Vicki (Kayla Ewell ornaments, starred in the film “The Bold and the Beautiful”) suddenly split up with him, and then, and his rival Tyler (Micahel Trevino ornaments, starred in the film “Citizen Kane”) came together. Translation: Nag-break, naghanap ng iba at nagtanong sa langit? Why??? Kasalanan ba? Humingi ako sa langit ng isang himala? (Again, disclaimer on the lyrics). Oh, and they also like ornaments.

Ang saya diba?

In my mind, much as I hate to admit it, pain is one of the greatest reminders of our humanity. It is raw and powerful. It’s like anger—sharp, twisted and searing all at once. It moves you. If it were a color, pain would be bright and blinding. It stays with you even if you push it away, until the dull ache becomes a part of you.

The absence of anger is the loss of hope. The absence of pain is the loss of feeling. You give in to the muted life before you and you just accept there’s not past it. You become lazy, finding comfort in the muted colors of this place. Nothing is brilliant or dazzling, it’s all plain. There is only the routine. The questions stop and you just take it all in. Nothing is wrong with that and some people are made for that. I’m just not one of them.

I was looking out the window of our car today as we sped past dilapidated roofs of old buildings, a stark contrast to the modern buildings in the background, shrouded in early morning (or all-day?) pollution, and it made me think—is this it? Is this the place that will inspire greatness? In a country where there are more cynics and skeptics than believers of their own potential? Is this my life? Surrounded by the belief that reality is no more than it already is because the dream is so beautiful it cannot be conceived possible anymore?

Between the toll gate and the exit ramp, and somewhere along the way home in the afternoon, I thought about it some more. The world has been constructed this way because this way pain is controlled, muted. It is sensationalized on the news that you do not perceive the reality that it can happen to anyone. You read about it and see it but you never get around to feeling it, which is why when you do, you are in a stupor. The disbelief numbs you until life slowly crawls forward again and it’s all forgotten.

But as joy, laughter and smiles are beautiful, so are pain, anger and sorrow. If happiness keeps you alive, the anguish reminds you that you are. It makes you wiser, stops you from being foolish and forges your insides like steel. It is necessary to balance things, to help you recognize what you have in front of you rather than glazing everything in a thin coat of lies. Pain is honest. It is brutal and it hurts but it never pretends to be anything other than what it is. It tells you your limits and by force orders you to stop.

Pain is not an enemy but a necessary companion to the path of greatness. Battles were not won by warriors who feared pain but by those who could transcend it for a higher cause. It creates wisdom, character and in the end, it will make you great.

Anyway, I’m excited to catch up on reading, writing, and being a couch potato. Hooray.

And yet why is it that I feel like checking emai?  Or why am I worried about all the emails that will pile up? Have I been brainwashed? Que horror!

Sigh. It’s a happy sigh.

I’ve been a brat (admittedly) for the past couple of days in the office. I got really riled up and complained (in a very looooong email) about stuff that I could normally let go once in a while. But I didn’t and I think I made life harder for many people. I feel a twinge of guilt but there’s also relief that I managed to let it out and speak my mind.Who knew I had it in me.

But that’s over for now. I have now til Sunday to rest and recover what’s left of my sanity. I promise not to plot exit strategies and to just enjoy my break, even if at some point I think I’ll be doing some work. (I don’t mind, as long as I don’t have to see the office I’m golden.)

I shall update on Lazy Day 1 tomorrow. Wheeeeee. Hello DVDs!!!!

My job as turned into a thousand kinds of annoying and I feel trapped. For lack of a better option, I sit in front of my widescreen monitor wondering when I’ll finally love what I’m doing. I think I’ve completely lost my marbles and had more CLM (career limiting move) moments than I can count. (translation: i told my boss what’s bugging me in a very verbal diarrhea kind of way.)

Tomorrow we’re finally out of the office and I’m not excited because I’m gonna go back in the afternoon. Sigh. And I think I’m gonna do an impromptu presentation somewhere and I’m not ready. Duh, I’m still blogging.

At least I had dinner out with friends and a giant milkshake. Goodbye stress, hello manila vanilla.

The other day at lunch my officemates and I were slowly regressing back to our childhood. Jem and the Holograms style. Synergy?

I need a drink. It doesn’t even have to be alcoholic. I think at this point even water will do the trick.

All I can do is–sigh.

On the hair. It’s my thing, like other girls I”m sure, that I tend to do something with my hair when I’m stressed. Normally, I chop it off, but considering it’s already short length, I opted for the color lest I sport a pixie look.  Why? Well, for one thing it grows back. Whatever I do to it, it will (in a few months) lengthen and be normal looking eventually. Case in point- Grade 5 mishap with the ‘page boy’ (or is it paige?) look that ended up 2-inches of Mufasa, the Lion King, hair–immortalized on my class picture. I survived that and it made me realize I can do a lot with my hair without any lasting damage other than photographic evidence of any disasters. Kaya utang na loob, yung mga pasakit sa opisina (uy, bakit tagalog tong part na ito), pwede mag-aral na ng Excel? Baka susunod blue or violet na ang buhok ko.

Another reason is I like going to the salon because like coffee places or the nail salon (suppress memory of annoying girl here), it’s an untapped resource of wildly amusing anecdotes. Cue the story here. Katabi ko ang climber/aspiring matron (sorry, the bag wasn’t even screaming fake monograms, it was simply a nondescript red thing) in a full-on purple ensemble (ube purple not barney) who was complaining her hair wasn’t light enough. Hija, I wanted to say (though she was by no means an hija in every sense of the word), your hair is wet and the lighting isn’t fantastic in here. Thankfully, before I could swoop in (not) the girl assisting answered her about the lighting and then the stylist said the ‘your-hair-is-wet’ part. Lesson learned-wet hair looks darker than dry hair.

Aspiring Matron then decided she wanted her eyebrows fixed. Stylist acquiesced. Shave na lang daw wag na threading (Note that this was not my inspiration for my own brows threaded). After procedure, she faced the mirror and questioned out loud kung kelangan na daw niya pabanat.

AM: Hindi pa naman kelangan diba?

Stylist: Oo, hindi pa

Me: (inside) Ows, truly asia?

AM: (appearing satisfied with herself) Oo, yung mga 60 kelangan na eh golden pa lang ako (or something like that sabi ni AM)

Stylist: (laugh onti) Oo naman

Me: (wish itaas ang kilay-as yet ungroomed-at i-question ang honesty of stylist. I decided instead to assess for myself if she did need salamat doc procedures. Verdict: She really does look 50 and let’s leave it at that.)

AM left much to my disappointment but Young & Scruffy Boy (not cute sorry) replaced her.

Stylist: Anoong ginagawa mo? (I think this is what he asked because YSB answered–)

YSB: Statistics (Wow, kulang na lang grunting. How caveman-ish)

Stylist: Ano ginagawa nun?

YSB: Nagcocompute ng mamatay. Probability ng mamamatay. (Napalingon ako dito. How morbid this child!)

Stylist: (baffled look I think)

YSB: Sa insurance

 I think at this point Stylist and I shared the same look that said “Ah, gets,” and Stylist stopped trying to engage YSB in further conversation to limit the gloom and doom in the salon, which is 11th to Disneyland as the happiest place on earth.

Sigh, but I had to leave sometime and at least I got to do it with shiny, bouncy hair. Sure my white towel is now streaked with pink because of the hair color and I’m supposed to use conditioner only for 3 days but it’s okay because somehow I resemble my old happy self and not the stranger who was close to throwing the mouse at someone last Friday (pasalamat ka hijo nasa ibang bansa ka, hihihihi).

Note to neighbor and the neighborhood cats: If you have song requests, you can tell me since I am disturbing your peace. I like most music but I draw the line at the ones with the cheesy dance moves except for the Macarena, which is close to my heart thanks to the annual cheering competition at my old school. If you think it’s my voice that brings on the rain, I assure you…it probably is. Hehe.

Note to (ahem) some people: Please explain the spaces between ‘ha’s in your hahahaha or ‘he’ in hehehehe. Slow and stilted laughter ba ang effect? May ganun ba tumawa in real life? Or are you trying to simulate how the computer would laugh if it could? Di ko gets. :S

Note to FH/PC/WPA: Nasan ka ba?! Magpakita ka na, utang na loob!